反省・Reflections
by Lady Starwing
Summary: Because not even an angel can stand to forget their past ... Post game, introspective Lloyd. Hints of Colloyd, implied LloydXMartel　ONESHOT


_Well well … this oneshot hit me in the night, so what the hell. I own nothing. Sorry if Lloydie seems OOC, but hey …! It's been a long time!! _

_And actually, this fic can be considered as a teaser for one of the multichapter fics stuffed into my box under the label "DO NOT POST UNTIL OTHERS ARE FINISHED". X3 It's a FE fic based on a theory of mine, which gets it involved with Symphonia that I call the "Disintegration Theory". You'll see why when the fic concerning it is posted … X3 I own nothing._

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Reflections of time

_Because even angels can't stand to forget their histories …_

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(Lloyd's PoV)

It's been so long … so very long … I lost long ago of how many centuries I've been here, at Yggdrasil, but I know that I am the only one of the friends who's still alive. Genis and Raine passed away nearly eleven centuries after our journey ended. Yuan left this plane around the same time, and I don't know if or when Dad passed on … everyone else was gone long before that, leaving me behind, immortal and ageless.

Yes, I do not have my Exsphere anymore; I destroyed it shortly after I did the same for the rest. But that doesn't help; this curse of immortality runs in my very blood, and nothing I can do will silence it. Colette and Zelos both destroyed their Cruxis Crystals, and so their lives were about as normal as they could be …

Of course, they were married in order to establish peace between the two worlds. I think that the only ones who wholeheartedly objected to the event were Zelos' fangirls. I felt horrible about it, but I had given up Colette as soon as I learned that she would pass on, and I would be stuck on this earth until the very world ended. It tore my heart apart, and I'm certain that it was my leaving that forced her to accept that … I was being selfish. I didn't want to be hurt by her passing, just as much as I was certain that she would follow me to eternity if I had let her.

I knew her too well; the strain of such a life would kill her.

It wasn't just her that I pushed away though. It was everyone else as well; I hid myself away at Yggdrasil, because I couldn't bear to tell them that I would be here until the very ending of the world. I … I was being selfish, and it kills me to admit it. But I … I think I did it for the best. I still mourned their passing, but I forced myself to remain at the tree … it is the only place where time also stands still.

Like me, Yggdrasil has changed oh so little in the time that has past. He has grown immensely, and the very top is always shrouded in clouds and mist. His energy is endless, and oftentimes, I will spends months on end just speaking with him, hidden in the branches that scrape the sky above up. Hardly anyone has seen me since I hid myself away, and not even the summon spirits refer to me as Lloyd anymore.

Now … I am Angelus.

I hate that name; it reminds me of all those who suffered through damnation in the Human ranches. It reminds me of my mother, who I pray is somewhere above me in heaven. I suspect that dad is with her as well, and I must admit that the fact is both depressing and uplifting. They were apart for too long, so it's only fair that they are together …

Well, fair for them. I miss them both horribly.

But … even though I left them behind—left Colette behind—I do not regret what I've done; I never will, I suppose. If I was the sort of person who believed in all that "destiny" bullshit, I would say that this was to be mine. I guard the tree, and I linger on this world long after everything I hold dear and love has past on into memory.

Well, almost everything.

Martel … I do not know how, but she … she never leaves my side. It's nothing I've felt before ... it's somewhere between affection and torture to think about just _what _our relationship is. I try to keep myeself aloof and distant, because she reminds me just so much of Colette ...

Do I remind her of someone?

And the wall that I usually have around my person, Martel just bypasses it. She talks to me, tells me to recover and to move on, but in such a way that I often forget she's the one who told me to do so. She calls to me, calls me Lloyd, and I simply forget to keep myself away from her. I do not know what power or spell she has over me, but it has completely consumed me.

All because she says my name.

Martel ...

Don't ever leave me alone ... Even though it's not likely that you will, but please. I do not want someone who knows me for _me_ to go away.

I don't want to be Angelus to everyone.

I just want to be _Lloyd._

... Heh ... now I can see why Mithos was so heartbroken when he lost Martel. Although I don't think I will go mad if I lose her--I pray to heaven that I won't, that is--it will still be a breaking experience. I might have to hide within Yggdrasil again if that happens. The last time ... it was torture being away from her for so long ...

I know that I will never replace Yuan ... but she will neither replace Colette either ... Martel ... I love you ...

And as I sit here, my gaze locked upon the heavens above me, I feel more at peace with myself than I have in a long, very long time ... It is past time I moved on, to live. I can look back, can remember, but it's past time I stopped wallowing in it.

Eternity is forever. So is my life, my past, my future, and my person. I am who I am.

I just pray to the Gods I know are out there that I don't forget that. That I will at least know that I am _Lloyd_, not _Angelus._ That at least I will remember myself as the years go by, and I remain unchanging and ageless, a testimate to time. A living relic ... something from times long since past away ...

Heh ... I really should stop listening to Yggdrasil when he's waxing poetic. He starts making me feel old.

... I wonder if Martel wants to go flying again. The last time, she forgot that I had my arms around her, and well … she pulled out several feathers. Although it was slightly painful, the sound of her laughing was worth it.

Heh … at least I haven't forgotten how to love yet.

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_Oh my … that ended up a lot shorter than I had planned. O.O'' Oh well, maybe I'll do another teasing oneshot that simply Lloyd and Martel fluff._

_Actually, I have a comment to make about that. I don't care about pairing wars, and for the "Disintegration theory", it works. Lloyd cannot escape immortality; Colette can, and so can Zelos. Martel is also there guarding the tree, and over time, love and emotions get mixed into the plotline. _

_Besides, it's a major issue with the theory._

_Anyway … review!!_


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